im slowly comin back........to whatever it is. i just know that its feelin pretty good.

i hear lots of people say that life's all about timing. this is very true. but now im starting to think life's more about focusing. its all about what you're focusing on at the moment. if one's focusing on the wrong things... it would seem like life isnt getting anywhere. and pain would continue. even during bad times (what people would call "bad timing"), if one focuses on the right things, there will be progress.

youre welcome.

- Cpt. Obvious -

the past few days have been kind of weird because i feel very empty.

big changes in life are really starting to get set in motion.

this past sunday i had to say goodbye to a very dear friend of mine that's been there with me since the first day of high school. school, church, and everything else. i remember saying goodbye to another close friend of mine that's been there since my first day in elementary in rancho cucamonga until the end of middle school. i always feel like im whining about saying farewell to people but i guess that's a complex that i have. but no big worries, im not letting them affect me too much. i'm not scared of anything. just got wishful thoughts that i could have done better. i like to think that life's more pleasant when i think to myself that i could have done better. in a bad light it may seem as regrets but i dont like to see it that way, because it gives me something to wait and work for. its always better to know that things could get better and that i can be a better person.

changes are inevitable and i can't expect things to always remain but im thinking that going back home to rancho cucamonga will be tougher now that kiwan is gone too. haaa i remember thinkin to myself that this guy is a somewhat sensitive guy who sought reassurances that he's loved. i wonder if he knows that he'll be greatly missed and that he's leavin a pretty big void in our lives by being gone. i feel like i didnt really get to say a good enough bye to him. i know i should have done more to help with some of the hardships he was going through. did you know that it was pretty tough to see you go? see you soon

my little emotional attachment to dogs

i jus woke up from the most happy yet terrifying dream that i've had in a while.

i was back in rancho cucamonga when just my mom and i lived together.

she brought home a puppy maltese, and i was exuberant. i knew it couldn't be my dog 자룡이 because we had given him away before we came to america and i know that he's probably dead by now, but i didn't bother to ask where she got the dog because i just wanted to believe that its 자룡이. throughout the dream, which is the longest dream i think i've had in a while, we just chilled, walked around, and slept together with him on my belly like we used to.

then at one point, the setting changed to my old house back in korea. i was like cool, let's go walk around the grass field next to the mountain like we used to. but before we went out, for some reason i wanted to give him a bath, so i put him on the sink in the bathroom. i gave him a little bath, and as i was about to pick him up, he fuckin fell in the drainage! what the fuk.... but the hole was kind of small so he was just kinda suck there and went down slowly, his eyes lookin at me like "help"... but he was already in far enough where i couldn't reach. after a few seconds he was out of my sight. and i was fuckin devastated..................................... i started crying out loud like a baby, something i would never do now. what's worse, i remembered in my dream that throughout my time with him in the dream, i never fed him! i was havin so much fun that i forgot to. even if he survived he must've been hungry as hell.

then my dream took me back to the actual day when i had to give my dog away. i remember crying like the saddest boy on the planet, with just him and me locked up in my sister's room when the people came to our house to pick him up. i guess that's the first of the series of goodbye's that was to come since that day. i remember everything crashing on me that day. sort of a reality check? it was the first one that i had as long as i can remember. i was going to be leaving home, my dad, and the life i never thought had Any problems. my worries back then were being the first to arrive at school and be the best fighter in my grade (and they weren't even really problems because ya know i was sick wit it ya digg).

then i talked to my mom and finally asked if that was the real 자룡이. she hesitated then told me of course it was not, it was a lost dog she found in the mountains while she was hiking with her friend. but that didn't matter to me.

then a few days passed in what seemed like a few seconds (i was still dreaming), and he came back! i was crazy happy. i guess he found our house by smelling and i dont know, the crazy things that dogs do. i told him id never lose him like that again and fed him a shit load of those dog food things. haha............................. then i heard my alarm and i woke up, back in my room in la jolla, where i have to start studying for my mid term that's coming up soon. shit i just spent 20 minutes writing this... didn't mean to

reality check.

God please make me less of an individualistic person. i want people to be comfortable when they talk with me. why is it that im so selective of people and situations? what's this barrier that i feel between me and others?

I really wish i was a more caring person. why am i so afraid of losing myself

people told me to just disregard all the details and take it as a "no" and stop beating myself over it. i dont know why i was made this way, but i dont want to take a "no" because based on how badly i want it, im going to do my Best to make it good for both sides. i feel like everything with a genuine intention deserves one more chance......... because i know i can do better.

헤어지지 말자 - G.O.D

절대 안 된다 말하지 우리가 너무 어려서 모른단 말이지
다른 사람들의 예를 우리 앞에 들이밀며
왜 우리가 헤어지는 게 정답인지
말하는 수많은 사람들의 우릴 향한
차가운 눈길 한심한 듯 우리에게 하는 손가락질
자기들이 아는 길이 마치 유일한 길인 것처럼 말하며
우리가 제발 정신 차리길
죄를 지은 죄인 아니면 미치광이 아니면
조금 덜 떨어진 바보 같은 폐인
죄인 폐인 그래 사랑이 죄라면
사랑에 미친 폐인 그런 내가 짐이면 얼마든지 참고 살아
난 니가 내 뒤에서 나의 등을 꼭 안아주면
니 앞에서 모든 어려움 다 막아 정말 자신 있어 다 덤벼

I don't want anything
니가 아니면
I'll do everything
우릴 말리면
우리에게 내려진 운명이지
지치지 말고 부디 이겨내길
You're my only thing
니가 없으면
The wind beneath my wing
날지 못하고
다시는 사랑하지 못하겠지
그러니 제발 우리 견뎌내길

우리에게 stop 나이 때문에 stop
집안 때문에 stop 종교 때문에 stop 돈 때문에 stop
답답해 그런 게 뭐길래 사랑보다 위에 놓여있는 거야 젠장
말로는 사랑에 국경 담장도 없다면서
별 이유가 다 이유가 돼서 이제는 아무나 I love you도 못해
제발 사랑을 말리지마 말리지 좀 마
그냥 사랑하게 행복하게 둘이 함께 무지개를 그리게
도와줘 밀어줘 참견하지 말고
왜 어떻게 대신 축하해 행복해
그게 아니면 아까도 말했지만 최소한 말리지마

I don't want anything
니가 아니면
I'll do everything
우릴 말리면
우리에게 내려진 운명이지
지치지 말고 부디 이겨내길
You're my only thing
니가 없으면
The wind beneath my wing
날지 못하고
다시는 사랑하지 못하겠지
그러니 제발 우리 견뎌내길
오랜 시간이 간 뒤에
우리 후회하지 않게
아무리 힘들어도 헤어지지 말자

된다 안 된다 이러쿵 저러쿵
말하기 좋아하는 사람 끼어드는 사람
맞다 아니다 다른 사람들 예를 들며
계속 비교하는 사람 비난 하는 사람
왜 그러는지 어떤 기준으로 어떤 사랑은 되고 어떤 건 안 되고
사랑이 무슨 장치라도 필요한 건지
왜 어떤 사랑은 자기 마음대로 금지인지

그 안 되는 이유가 과연 정말 맞는 걸까
아니면 우리가 배우고 생각과 달라 불편한 건가
잘 생각해봐 그렇게 사랑을 가지고
아프게 하다간 너도 똑 같은 위치에 가있을지 몰라
사람 일은 몰라

I don't want anything
니가 아니면
I'll do everything
우릴 말리면
우리에게 내려진 운명이지
지치지 말고 부디 이겨내길
You're my only thing
니가 없으면
The wind beneath my wing
날지 못하고
다시는 사랑하지 못하겠지
그러니 제발 우리 견뎌내길
오랜 시간이 간 뒤에
우리 후회하지 않게
아무리 힘들어도 헤어지지 말자 헤어지지 말자
헤어지지 말자

yeah yeah yeah I don't want anything
I don't want anything
I don't want anything I'll do everything






this song gets to me cuz these fools sing this with a passion. i hope i get to meet someone worth feeling this way for sometime in my life..

http://eternal__sky.blog.me/100112278358 click to listen

Internship at Accenture >>

starting last monday, i started my internship at a consulting firm called Accenture. its amazing. im getting to experience the most professional workplace in society. Accenture is one of the biggest global consulting firms in the world, and in Korea, they deal with groups like LG, SK, KT, POSCO, GS, and many more. During my first week, I helped my supervisor prepare a proposal to POSCO (one of the if not the biggest steel manufacturers in the world) about having them innovate their electronic data management system. I've been basically researching a lot of articles on Accenture's very own database (which is not accessible to the public) to find the necessary information required by my supervisor. I think i did okay with that job. it was nice seeing materials from the documents that i found and translated on the proposal. i feel like i've accomplished something (in fact i created one of the slides for the powerpoint, which outlined the benefits of upgrading the Electronic Content Management System from version 5.3 to 6.5).
this week, my group was put into a new project with LG electronics. they are trying to upgrade their Procurement system, which deals with acquiring items for their commodities from their suppliers in the most inexpensive and efficient way through data management, managerial integration, and supplier collaboration. this is such a big project that i really dont have much to do cuz at this point im pretty useless. but i'll still be able to learn a lot from their meetings.

working in the accenture building and LG building is amazing. access is restricted so the company has have my personal information before i give up my id card to obtain a card to get through all these doors. they even took my laptop's serial number to prevent information leakage (this new and fresh ass laptop was lent to me by Accenture to use). no matter how young i am, everyone speaks formal language (존대말) to me and its kinda cool. a typical lunch/dinner topic would be something like .... "how is your project with samsung going? are they going to work with us? how much is the project worth? 3 million dollars? oh thats pretty good" (actually i dont really remember the amount of money cuz they use the korean won terms. it could be wayyy more than 3 mil for all i know).

im getting to work with people who run Korea and maybe even the world. im kinda starstruck when i see these baller-high-ranked people. i also had lunch/dinner with them. i try my best to look and sound as intelligent and not-goofy as possible, but its hard. its all good cuz they laugh at my jokes and comments.

every day at work, i cant help but thinking so unqualified. these people have worked so hard and done so much to get to where they are at, but i really havent done anything. but this is a start, and im truly grateful for this opportunity. i'm going to makeup for my shortcomings by working extra hard and doing whatever i can do to not impede others from making progress.



p.s. i miss yonsei and the good times i had this summer. this summer's been truly great

korea is fun and cool. im like a little kid who's fascinated to see everything around me. all the things i grew up with....... like the elders passing out flyers or selling little things in the streets, the signs for shops and restaurants that are dying to be noticed among hundreds of other ones, and the subway stations and streets filled with busy people walking fast and expressionless trying to get to their destinations................. make me think and think... about life and korea.

ever since i left to korea in 1999, whenever something unfortunate happened to me i'd always tell myself "things would have been different if i lived in korea..." like i was always disadvantaged because of my background. but i realize that my life in america was very comfortable indeed and many people i see every day here may be wondering how much easier life would be in america.

south korea's geographical size is about 1/4 of california (actually less) but it holds about 16 million more people. but what strikes me the most is the fact that only 20% of this land is useable because its 80% mountains.

i feel like life in korea is one giant survival game. people are shoulders to shoulders competing against each other to come out on top in this crowded land with scarce resources... this probably explains koreans' unmatchable work ethic.



one last thing i want to add is that ive become very afraid of feeling exposed... ive caught myself on numerous occasions when i did something extra and unnecessary to protect myself from possibly feeling exposed/embarrassed. can you guess what kind of situations they were? probably not.


but im feelin pretty good these days. way better than before. so hooray for me

things done changed

remember the simpler days when we could incessantly beg our parents for that $100 for a new bike/skateboard/rollerblades without having to second think about our family's financial situations

when we'd get a bad score on a test and just worry about being scolded by our parents, not our future lives or how incompetent we are

when we could tell a crush that we like her (maybe with a little thing of chocolate hah) without possibly coming across as a weird or impulsive person or maybe even a player

when we'd go on a family trip and enjoy every single second of it or constantly dread it thinking about how much fun we would have been having with our friends, without ever thinking about when we'll get to be with our family like this again

when we'd bum around the house all day during breaks desperately waiting for something fun to come up, without having to think about what others are doing to get ahead in life while we're being unproductive



the things that used to concern me just seem simple and happy for some reason. with that rollerblade all i could think about was how badass i'd look cruising on them.. on those idle summer days whenever something came up, like a sleepover, i'd be like helllllllllllll yea. during those dreadful family trips i'd just think about all the "cooler" things i'd do with my buddies once i got back because i believed that my family would be there no matter what so no worries there.

i guess theres still a lot of the child hakbeen left in me. :P

kinda gettin excited for summer already. Gyea

at a certain time in my life, i think i've suddently decided to strive to become a go-getter, the opposite of one who is passive. im not sure when this time was exactly, but i know that i told myself i can't jus watch people and opportunities pass all the time.
the biggest danger in this mindset is trying to make mine the things that were never supposed to be mine. its called forcing. this makes me foolish. its not me.
the excess amount of determination and courage compromised the value of patience, which is just as important. something that truly made me who i am today.

life's a constant new learning experience and i feel like right now is the moment to learn to accomodate to the pace of those around me, whether it be people or the environment.

but i cant help but think

don't limit yourself

its almost 4 in the morn, got a mid term tomorrow but i cant sleep. a lot of thoughts running through my head. but a certain thought has been keeping me up... and i want to write it down to see how i feel about it later.

--

often times, people say they cant do this, they cant do that because they say they're a certain way. "because im like this". they think they know, but they have no idea. essentially, they have no idea because they never broke out of their shell and opened themselves up to new thoughts and ideas. see, when you open up yourself to something new, you are creating an incredible amount of opportunities-- opportunities for greater happiness. once you have opened yourself up and dwelled in this new state of mind, you'll have learned so much in the process. and the best part is, you can always choose to go back if you feel like its not right. maybe this new thing may not have worked out, but you realized that the old way, what you've kept for so long, is that much more valuable. you can cherish it, and mold it to something even better. and i dont think i have to really explain the benefits of realizing that something new is actually good because we all know how it feels. maybe i'll add that trying something new doesn't necessarily mean losing something of the past.

and i dont know how much this has to do with what i've stated so far, but it takes human brains about 2-3 weeks to break out of habits, or to create new habits, although it takes some dedication. i find this interesting.


ah maybe i'll be able to sleep now. i wonder who'll ever read this

oh h h h

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I can say without hesitation that this book changed my life, when I read it in the beginning of my junior year when I felt like Robert Frost, standing between a diverging road bla bla bla u get the point lol.

anyways, i was looking for a sick quote put on my facebook so i went on google and typed in "the alchemist quotes" and in just that 10-15 minutes i was more enlightened than any other time in 2010.

http://www.allgreatquotes.com/alchemist_quotes2.shtml

enjoy

im very weird and stupid. i dont like getting caught up in the present. my mentality often tells me that the present isn't good. i'm constantly hoping for a better future, and thinking about how good things were in the past. what i often forget is that the present is a creation of the past, and the future is the creation of the present.

there's a bit of a paradox here then. if i consider the past to be good, then the present must be good. if i'm hoping for a better future, then i better be making the present good too.

-----

i really hope to meet somebody that can understand me. but nobody's going to understand me if we dont take the time and the effort. i've been looking for somebody that would understand me right away and often got ahead of myself. how stupid of me to have realized this just recently......

i had a dream. it was about me playing basketball.......... i sucked really badly. but at the same time my ankle was hurting. so i announced to my peeps that my ankle had caused me to play badly.
then somebody called me out and said "why are you always giving excuses?"

this is true. i realized that i often give excuses in general when me just shutting my mouth and not saying anything would serve just as well.
but the thing that others dont know is that i do this as a reassurance to myself, not others. i don't think there are too many things that i'm just naturally bad at and thats it. i think that no matter what it is, if i give some dedication, at least i wouldnt "suck". so if i were to be bad at anything, it's probably by choice and im not about to let that happen.

so this is what i said in response in my dream: "because I know i can do better."