[[[ People always told me stories and common phenomena that engendered negative thoughts in my head. 

Maybe it's true that when situations turn bad, people do bad things, and well, bad things happen. 

Maybe that's just being normal- in most people's eyes. And that's how they should be. 

But I had never considered our relationship to be the same as the others. Simply because it wasn't.

But why couldn't I believe in this, what we had, what I had planned, and give into the negativity and the doubters? In other words, why did I not have trust, faith, confidence, or whatever it is? 

I ask myself this quite often. Then I usually come up with the same answers. 

Because I couldn't figure it all out. I couldn't figure out what was happening to our relationship and I couldn't figure out what was going on with her. Then I came to the point where I couldn't figure out myself either. I had to let go. A somewhat sudden ending ensued. No discussions, no arguments. Just some simple words of good-bye and some simple words of gratitude with hints of regret. Not sure. 

Still trying to figure out what happened. Actually still maybe trying to figure out what's happening. Why. I think I'm kind of psychotic. Just when I'm about to accept and forget, a piece of memory pops in my head, or I'm reminded of an incident and then I have this huge sense of certainty that I'll never feel that way again. 

Of course not. That's something very obvious. 

I guess I'm just having a hard time with moving on. I am an idiot. ]]]

------------ This is a little snippet of what goes on in my head at least once throughout the day. Lol. I'm glad that at least I can write about it and laugh at myself a little bit. 

P.S. I'm screwed at work tomorrow. Damn. 

The Head of Operations

I enjoy work. Time goes really fast. I love the people that I work with. I love eating at the most perfect times during the day, just when I am hungry but not so hungry that my stomach feels bad. I love how I am respected because of the things people believe I've gone through and achieved- I thank them for that. It is kind of a leap of faith. Because they don't know me. But they still consider me their leader.

I think about life a lot these days. What's the point of it? I read a very interesting passage about "first love". The first serious love, and the first serious heartbreak that comes after it. I think I may have gone through that recently. I view life completely differently now. Males, although they are much more stoic and nonchalant than their female counterparts, are strangely extremely passionate when it comes to love. I guess something true. But once they realize that their passion cannot be matched by their female counterparts, after having given their all, they realize that maybe love isn't worth it. At least not as much as they used to believe.

I don't know why, but I think of this concept of "love" very often. I'm not lonely, I'm not looking for a relationship, and I hold no grudges against my last relationship. But, I believe that "love" drives the world. Even those that shun the romantic concept of love and indulge in promiscuous activities are in a way using love as their driving force in life. The only difference is that they choose to manipulate it.

How do I feel about love, I don't know. I'm more on the side that it is what we all strive for but can seldom get. I mean that only a few of us get it. Most of us will end up faking it after their big failure in which they had waged all of them. Nah mean? There's only so much one can bear to keep waging...... After a while you're just playing SAFE.

Tell me I'm not right.......................... Cowards

P.S. Notice how my post segued to something completely different from the original topic... The title of this post says "The Head of Operations". Haha...................................... Interesting

You can't call it love when you're with him/her because you need somebody there. You really can't. It's probably love only when You can be there for somebody when they need you. No excuses though. But then you can't give yourself up, can you? Exactly. Maybe now is not the right time for love. Sadly, some of us will never be fit for it..


I'm going to be honest with myself though. Hoorah

Dream

Suddenly, I knew I was going to wake up from the dream. Of course I was aware that it was a dream because there's no way I could ever see her. But I guess that the moment I realize that I'm only dreaming rekindles my conscience and wakes me up- because I start panicking, for I'm desperate to cherish the moment.

Well, I felt it coming. She's right there in front of me. But we don't say a word to each other (with the premise that dreams are but fabrication of one's own thoughts, this makes perfect sense because I don't know what I'd say or what she'd say anyway). As I'm literally a second away from coming back to reality, I yell "HEY I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR ANYTHING"

I stare at the ceiling of my room. Do I really mean what I just said? 

Whatever. What's the point.

it's only wednesday

i'm dead tired and i'm not going to bother using capitalization in this post. it's enough i use punctuation lol. well work's more fun than taking classes. but its definitely more stressful. i can't believe its only wednesday. i can't believe i still got almost 3 minus 5 months of military service. it's insane. they say it's the same as working any other full-time job because i get weekends off. but its not true. as humans we are so heavily impacted by the visual things that the military life significantly decreases the quality of life. dammnnnn i'm too lazy to elaborate but i'll do so anyway. oh damn why did i write my last sentence i just wasted more energy. even this last one. and the last one. and this one. and so on. what the hell. anyways, in the civilian world, we are constantly reminded of the good things in life/society through the awesome industrial developments we've made as mankind, plus everyone that lives in it who strive to show off their most attractive looks. like i said, they're reminders of the good things in this world, a.k.a what we're all trying to pursue (most of us). they validate hope. they provide vicarious pleasure. they make us happy for at least a few moments- and they're enough to keep us going.

wow what a freaking run-on of thoughts. retarded. but this is fun. just writing whatever that's coming to my mind. well guess what i'm cracked out like crazy, and i don't think i'm crazy. there's someone that i really miss. i don't know if i miss that person or the feeling of being loved and the feeling of loving. but either way i'm content with my life as long as i have at least one worthwhile person to hang out on the weekends and my wallet carries money. after a while you get used to anything, even when things get bad. but the wishlist gets longer and longer right. have you ever had a huge to-do list at work and proceeded to scribble them off one by one. that is an awesome feeling. why cant we do that in life? perhaps because the amount of time required for a "wish" is much much bigger than that of an item on a to-do list. just takes patience. but then who says we have all the time in the world? but who says we dont? but when's the right time then? what defines a "right time?"

oh fuck it. just shut the fuck up and enjoy the moment. if you're craving some fucking hot cheetos and you eat that shit, it's the best tasting thing in the entire universe. the pleasure would be greater than or equal to having the juiciest steak or the most expensive course meal. same shit. it's all about your attitude.

why can't it be like that with girls though LOL........ it's just got to be the right one. well that's why im probably not gettin some. maybe i should. maybe im just retarded and can never learn from my mistakes. fuck it imma be single for the rest of my life

New Beginning (A Good One)

So I am the operations manager of Air Traffic Control & Aeronautical Field Operations Squadron at the 16th Fighter Wing Air Base of Republic of Korea Air Force. My first week at work has been splendid. As the 3rd person in command, I have 55 people of ages ranging from 19-53 working under me, and they pay me a lot of respect for a 22 year old dude who just got there with considerably less work experience than them. All this sounds like bullcrap right. Something's got to be off............... but this is the military and I believe that I have rightfully earned my place there through everything I've been through since March this year. Plus the 22 years I've lived through all the experiences and lessons, good and bad.

Got my first taste of power and authority........... It's a huge change from everything that I've been used to. Leadership- It's like a juicy and hearty steak meal with lots of mash potatoes and all of that. It comes with lots of power (calories) but I've got to use it all in the right places to make good use of them. Or else things will just get detrimental.
What a terrible simile but I also mentioned this because it "tastes" good. I feel so confident in the right ways. Yet I feel this huge pressure. I get pretty close to being scared at times that I might disappoint others and become a burden. But I'm not letting myself get there. Confidence is 50% of everything I do. Whether it's objectively true or not, I'm going to put that on myself in everything I do from now on.

Can you notice the little bit (no actually a lot) of confidence booster in the first paragraph? Lol............

But then again who am I talking to? 

Good bye city of jinjuuu

Just left jinju right now. Ive lived here for 7.5months now. Ever since i left america and enlisted in the military. For some reason i feel like time went by fast. I prayed to God once to help me regain my composure by the time i left here. And he answered my prayer. Im leaving with a much lighter heart.

Perhaps the most difficult 8months of my life so far? hmm it doesnt matter and im over it. Difficult times in my life are often like this. Theyre always painful to the core in the process but i always react like its my first time. This can be both good and bad. Id be in so much pain all at once but id quickly do whatever to get over them. 

But a few feelings still remain. Lets see where and how i can channel these thoughts. Mmmmmmmmm

the reason for this post: as i left the gates of the jinju command, the song “in my place” by coldplay came on. How corny but appropriate. Moments like these are interesting. 

P.s. Im Fucking glad im out of there. LOL