[[[ People always told me stories and common phenomena that engendered negative thoughts in my head. 

Maybe it's true that when situations turn bad, people do bad things, and well, bad things happen. 

Maybe that's just being normal- in most people's eyes. And that's how they should be. 

But I had never considered our relationship to be the same as the others. Simply because it wasn't.

But why couldn't I believe in this, what we had, what I had planned, and give into the negativity and the doubters? In other words, why did I not have trust, faith, confidence, or whatever it is? 

I ask myself this quite often. Then I usually come up with the same answers. 

Because I couldn't figure it all out. I couldn't figure out what was happening to our relationship and I couldn't figure out what was going on with her. Then I came to the point where I couldn't figure out myself either. I had to let go. A somewhat sudden ending ensued. No discussions, no arguments. Just some simple words of good-bye and some simple words of gratitude with hints of regret. Not sure. 

Still trying to figure out what happened. Actually still maybe trying to figure out what's happening. Why. I think I'm kind of psychotic. Just when I'm about to accept and forget, a piece of memory pops in my head, or I'm reminded of an incident and then I have this huge sense of certainty that I'll never feel that way again. 

Of course not. That's something very obvious. 

I guess I'm just having a hard time with moving on. I am an idiot. ]]]

------------ This is a little snippet of what goes on in my head at least once throughout the day. Lol. I'm glad that at least I can write about it and laugh at myself a little bit. 

P.S. I'm screwed at work tomorrow. Damn. 

The Head of Operations

I enjoy work. Time goes really fast. I love the people that I work with. I love eating at the most perfect times during the day, just when I am hungry but not so hungry that my stomach feels bad. I love how I am respected because of the things people believe I've gone through and achieved- I thank them for that. It is kind of a leap of faith. Because they don't know me. But they still consider me their leader.

I think about life a lot these days. What's the point of it? I read a very interesting passage about "first love". The first serious love, and the first serious heartbreak that comes after it. I think I may have gone through that recently. I view life completely differently now. Males, although they are much more stoic and nonchalant than their female counterparts, are strangely extremely passionate when it comes to love. I guess something true. But once they realize that their passion cannot be matched by their female counterparts, after having given their all, they realize that maybe love isn't worth it. At least not as much as they used to believe.

I don't know why, but I think of this concept of "love" very often. I'm not lonely, I'm not looking for a relationship, and I hold no grudges against my last relationship. But, I believe that "love" drives the world. Even those that shun the romantic concept of love and indulge in promiscuous activities are in a way using love as their driving force in life. The only difference is that they choose to manipulate it.

How do I feel about love, I don't know. I'm more on the side that it is what we all strive for but can seldom get. I mean that only a few of us get it. Most of us will end up faking it after their big failure in which they had waged all of them. Nah mean? There's only so much one can bear to keep waging...... After a while you're just playing SAFE.

Tell me I'm not right.......................... Cowards

P.S. Notice how my post segued to something completely different from the original topic... The title of this post says "The Head of Operations". Haha...................................... Interesting

You can't call it love when you're with him/her because you need somebody there. You really can't. It's probably love only when You can be there for somebody when they need you. No excuses though. But then you can't give yourself up, can you? Exactly. Maybe now is not the right time for love. Sadly, some of us will never be fit for it..


I'm going to be honest with myself though. Hoorah

Dream

Suddenly, I knew I was going to wake up from the dream. Of course I was aware that it was a dream because there's no way I could ever see her. But I guess that the moment I realize that I'm only dreaming rekindles my conscience and wakes me up- because I start panicking, for I'm desperate to cherish the moment.

Well, I felt it coming. She's right there in front of me. But we don't say a word to each other (with the premise that dreams are but fabrication of one's own thoughts, this makes perfect sense because I don't know what I'd say or what she'd say anyway). As I'm literally a second away from coming back to reality, I yell "HEY I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR ANYTHING"

I stare at the ceiling of my room. Do I really mean what I just said? 

Whatever. What's the point.