the past few days have been kind of weird because i feel very empty.

big changes in life are really starting to get set in motion.

this past sunday i had to say goodbye to a very dear friend of mine that's been there with me since the first day of high school. school, church, and everything else. i remember saying goodbye to another close friend of mine that's been there since my first day in elementary in rancho cucamonga until the end of middle school. i always feel like im whining about saying farewell to people but i guess that's a complex that i have. but no big worries, im not letting them affect me too much. i'm not scared of anything. just got wishful thoughts that i could have done better. i like to think that life's more pleasant when i think to myself that i could have done better. in a bad light it may seem as regrets but i dont like to see it that way, because it gives me something to wait and work for. its always better to know that things could get better and that i can be a better person.

changes are inevitable and i can't expect things to always remain but im thinking that going back home to rancho cucamonga will be tougher now that kiwan is gone too. haaa i remember thinkin to myself that this guy is a somewhat sensitive guy who sought reassurances that he's loved. i wonder if he knows that he'll be greatly missed and that he's leavin a pretty big void in our lives by being gone. i feel like i didnt really get to say a good enough bye to him. i know i should have done more to help with some of the hardships he was going through. did you know that it was pretty tough to see you go? see you soon

my little emotional attachment to dogs

i jus woke up from the most happy yet terrifying dream that i've had in a while.

i was back in rancho cucamonga when just my mom and i lived together.

she brought home a puppy maltese, and i was exuberant. i knew it couldn't be my dog 자룡이 because we had given him away before we came to america and i know that he's probably dead by now, but i didn't bother to ask where she got the dog because i just wanted to believe that its 자룡이. throughout the dream, which is the longest dream i think i've had in a while, we just chilled, walked around, and slept together with him on my belly like we used to.

then at one point, the setting changed to my old house back in korea. i was like cool, let's go walk around the grass field next to the mountain like we used to. but before we went out, for some reason i wanted to give him a bath, so i put him on the sink in the bathroom. i gave him a little bath, and as i was about to pick him up, he fuckin fell in the drainage! what the fuk.... but the hole was kind of small so he was just kinda suck there and went down slowly, his eyes lookin at me like "help"... but he was already in far enough where i couldn't reach. after a few seconds he was out of my sight. and i was fuckin devastated..................................... i started crying out loud like a baby, something i would never do now. what's worse, i remembered in my dream that throughout my time with him in the dream, i never fed him! i was havin so much fun that i forgot to. even if he survived he must've been hungry as hell.

then my dream took me back to the actual day when i had to give my dog away. i remember crying like the saddest boy on the planet, with just him and me locked up in my sister's room when the people came to our house to pick him up. i guess that's the first of the series of goodbye's that was to come since that day. i remember everything crashing on me that day. sort of a reality check? it was the first one that i had as long as i can remember. i was going to be leaving home, my dad, and the life i never thought had Any problems. my worries back then were being the first to arrive at school and be the best fighter in my grade (and they weren't even really problems because ya know i was sick wit it ya digg).

then i talked to my mom and finally asked if that was the real 자룡이. she hesitated then told me of course it was not, it was a lost dog she found in the mountains while she was hiking with her friend. but that didn't matter to me.

then a few days passed in what seemed like a few seconds (i was still dreaming), and he came back! i was crazy happy. i guess he found our house by smelling and i dont know, the crazy things that dogs do. i told him id never lose him like that again and fed him a shit load of those dog food things. haha............................. then i heard my alarm and i woke up, back in my room in la jolla, where i have to start studying for my mid term that's coming up soon. shit i just spent 20 minutes writing this... didn't mean to

reality check.

God please make me less of an individualistic person. i want people to be comfortable when they talk with me. why is it that im so selective of people and situations? what's this barrier that i feel between me and others?

I really wish i was a more caring person. why am i so afraid of losing myself

people told me to just disregard all the details and take it as a "no" and stop beating myself over it. i dont know why i was made this way, but i dont want to take a "no" because based on how badly i want it, im going to do my Best to make it good for both sides. i feel like everything with a genuine intention deserves one more chance......... because i know i can do better.