running on about 3 hours of sleep in the past 2 days

i vaguely remember encountering stories where the protagonist sets out on a journey to "discover himself". and in these stories, the world seems to somehow gear towards the character so that he succeeds in his discovery. when i began to write in this stupid blog i thought that this is impossible for me because inherently in novels and movies the world revolves around the protagonist whereas the "real" world that i live in seems indifferent...
but now i'm starting to think that maybe the world is somehow perfectly geared towards every single one of us, so that we may discover ourselves and live a content life. But because we try so hard to gear ourselves towards the world created by the superficial, we eventually lose ourselves, and we'll never be completely content.

edited on 1/25/10

goal in life

i think everyone inherently wants to make a difference in this world, and in particular, his/her world. thats what it may all come down to, or else we wouldn't be doing anything. like i've mentioned before somewhere in this blog, we'll never be satisfied with what we have unless we have given up or just simply dont want anything at all.
to me, this world is too big. i cant make such differences. so imma do what i can and go all-in for my family that i will create in the future to come. now... if i were more gifted and talented i would be able to make differences for my current family too (mom dad sister). that'd be nice. very nice

그게 나였어

생각나니 별을보던 너의 모습 생각
아름다운 마음이 오래됐지만
그개 나였어
그게 나였어

생각나니 지난시절 잃어버린사랑
나눠같던 마음이 오래 됐지만
그게 너였어
그게 너였어

“To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world…” - from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

this quote popped up in my dream last night and i got pretty happy but then i woke up and realized things are not just that simple. i realized that there still needs to be the desire to tame on the little boy's part and the desire to be tamed on the fox's part. or else this passage would amount to very little. but to me, this doesn't pertain only to relationships with people. i just like the idea of turning nothing into something, turning something into something better and especially turning something bad into something good, and to me this quote seems to be implying these things.


i dont think the past few weeks have been too enjoyable. dang it oh well

when life gives you lemons............ take the seeds out, plant them and hope that one day you'll have an orchard full of lemon trees and opportunities. yay

im not sure what convinces me that a "treasure box" must contain treasure.

[Language in itself is a metaphor for nerve stimuli and each individual attaches a different subjective meaning to a word based on his or her own reaction to his or her personally experienced nerve stimulus. So when someone uses a word in conversation, the listener can never fully understand what nerve stimulus catalyzed that person's use of a word.
So in those rare occasions when two people actually succeed in communicating their love for each other, it's frankly a pretty miraculous phenomenon. Millions of nerve stimuli unified under one metaphor that is ultimately translated into a word. The one time that "a" actually does equal "a".]

this is from one of my closest friends joe hong

what truly defines a "strong" person

strength? not at all. confidence? maybe. diligence? not quite there...

i'd say resilience. its so powerful that it combines all of the things mentioned above.

optimism

but i must remind myself at this point that being optimistic isn't just [hoping] for something good; rather, it is sensing that something [will be good.]

let's face it, we'll never be content with what we currently have. the day we feel like we have absolutely nothing else we want would be when we 1) have given up or 2) simply don't want anything at all. think about it...

random

did you know that it takes approximately 2-3 weeks for your brain to create new habits? same goes for breaking old habits.



its a good thing that people aren't like habits- makes them that much more valuable

walking down the memory lane

i was beginning to feel kinda down about all these problems in my life (like everyone is these days) but then as i came across this resolution sheet i wrote as a 11-12 year old (not sure). looked something like this (direct translation from korean).

Things to do in my life

1) join a very good team in counter-strike
2) wake up in the morning to say "have a good day at work" to my dad who is leaving as i come down the stairs
3) secretly play counter-strike at 10p.m. without letting my mom know
4) wake up on a cold winter morning, come down the stairs and wait for my mom to finish cooking breakfast
5) i have not gone back to korea since 2/1/1999. i'd like to go back some day
6) live in a two story house
7) have a nice computer
8) meet good friends
9) living with my dad in america (of course mom and sister too)
10) have a sleepover at my home with my friends (my apartment is too small)
11) have a nice car that i can brag about
12) have 200 buddies on my AIM buddy list
13) have my own room
14) go watch a big baseball game with my dad


yeah reading this now i realize what an ungrateful loser kid i was hahahaha but then i was damn happy that all these resolutions have been accomplished (except 9 and 14). gyea! if i were to write something like this right now it'd be wayyyy more meaningful and necessary but u know back when i wrote this these were some of the greatest struggles i dealt with and they were meaningful at the time.
looking back, some of these problems weren't so bad afterall, and time and patience rewarded me with all these blessings.

so hopefully 10 years from now i'll be able to feel this way when i look back upon my struggles during my young adulthood which is NOW

“Here I am, between my flock and my treasure, the boy thought. He had to choose between something he had become accustomed to and something he wanted to have."


this is something that i'm currently challenged with.

"Grown-ups love figures. When you tell them that you have made a new friend, they never ask you any questions about essential matters. They never say to you, 'What does his voice sound like? What games does he love best? Does he collect butterflies?' Instead, they demand: 'How old is he? How many brothers has he? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make?' Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him."




read it, and think about it. maybe make some connections

“To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world…”

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh goooood shit

nasa's annual budget is nearly 18 billion dollars. and how often do you hear about new impacting breakthroughs in space programs/studies?! yea i know im not too knowledgeable in this field so i shouldn't be complaining but i cant help but think that the $$$ can be used for better causes. like me eating jja jang myun and roberto's and sushi as much as i want.......................... nah im kidding but u know what i mean.

about me

about me: the biggest observation i made about myself since i considered myself to be an adult (somewhat) is that i have a lot of passion. i'd like to enjoy myself endlessly doing what i love (sports, music, kicking it with homies), i'd like to treat a girl right, and most importantly i want to show my parents that they are appreciated.

but somewhere along the way my pass-ion becomes pass-ive. so can you tell me whats wrong with me!

another post just because i dont wanna seem like a religious freak with taht last entry. i started this to put down my thoughts for the day so hopefully i'll look back one day and remember the things that were going through my head. because sometimes emotions and concerns are so temporary.

so------------ thoughts for today: lets not overwork ourselves with our current problems. lets not dwell in the past, just pick out the good stuff we learned from it and move on. and get ready for the things to come.

just remind me to not post on this too often because only girlies "spill their hearts out" on stuff like this.

haha jk i love the girlies peace

the plot

this was a story i was told back in high school when going to church meant a lot to me (i forgot how it went so this is my own version):

[Since the beginning of mankind, there were these three devils that resolved to keep humans as far away as possible from God.
The first devil came down to earth to carry on his mission, and told people that "God does not exist." At first, people fell for this lie because they could not see God. But throughout history God showed his presence to the people in numerous occasions by assisting them in the most difficult and painful times. When people felt his love, it was undeniable that God has always been there looking out for them.
The second devil, realizing God's powerful presence in the hearts of people, came up with a better idea. He came down to earth and whispered to them, "You are not good enough for God." All were very discouraged by this because they were in fact sinners who could not comply with God's laws. But this time, God sent his son Jesus Christ who came and died on the cross for forgiveness of everyone's sins. People realized that despite their shortcomings, God is always willing to forgive and love.
After contemplating for a very long time since his brothers' failed attempts, the third and the most cunning devil came up with an idea that would come to separate God and many people even to this day. He told them, "You have all the time in the world."]


and i dont think i need to say any more since we all know what happened after that.